"What has been the biggest difference between what you imagined marriage would be like and the reality of marriage?"
He's really good at asking thought-provoking questions (super attractive!), we just need to work on the timing of those questions. Therefore, at 11:30pm, I start a stream of thoughts and accidentally open my mouth while random words that did not make sense start flowing out. I don't remember if I actually gave a coherent answer that night, but it did make me think about it a bit more over the next couple of days.
I thought about the gamut of issues newlyweds go through during their first year of marriage--learning all the quirks of your spouse, figuring out how to live together peacefully, intimacy, dealing with conflict. Then it came to me. The one thing that completely came out of left field, that I'm even just now realizing that I did not expect to be an issue:
The first thought that might pop into your head, given our current culture, is that I'm talking about trusting my husband not to cheat on me or not to look at another woman (which is valid). However, those are not my concerns. I'm talking about the kind of trust you have with someone that allows you to be completely vulnerable with them. Let them into your mess, witness your flaws, embrace your weaknesses. Let you be exactly who you are around them with no hesitation.
Merriam-Webster defines trust as: "assured reliance on the character, ability, strength or truth of someone or something; one in which confidence is placed."
When I read that, I immediately want to argue that I DO trust my husband. I believe his character, ability, strength AND truth are all reliable...that's why I married him! However, digging deeper into that, I discover that while I trust my husband with our relationship, finances and familial well-being, I am terrified to allow him into my mess, to be vulnerable. To witness my flaws and experience my weaknesses. I have this engrained belief that I must be perfect for someone to love me so deeply as he does. Therefore I must hide all these "shortcomings" I believe I have.
But why?? He married me for ALL of me. Not just for the warm fuzzies in our relationship, but because he wants to be there for me in my weakness, swim with me in my mess, and embrace every single flaw (even the not-so-pretty ones). Which blows. my. mind.
Why would someone want to take on my burdens, my mess, the not-so-good side of me?
Because marriage is a direct reflection of the love Christ has for us. Christ loves us so much that He came into this world, completely aware of the mess we were in, and sacrificed his LIFE to help clean us up. He wants to have an intimate relationship with us. He didn't come into the world expecting perfection. He meets us where we are, no matter how disheveled. He invites us to trust Him and allow Him to enter into every aspect of our lives, not just the shiny parts.
Most people know the words from John 3:16, "For God so loved the world that he gave His only son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." But keep reading. Verse 17 says, "For God did not send his son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him."
My husband did not marry me to condemn me for being flawed, just like Jesus did not die for my sins to condemn me for being flawed. So why is it such a struggle to invite them into my heart that is not always spotless?
It is so easy to only show the clean, perfectly pressed and manicured side of your life to your spouse, but it takes an amazing amount of trust to allow them into every nook and cranny of your heart. Just like we are suppose to allow Christ into our heart, into every single aspect of our life.
In conclusion, have I figured out this whole trust issue? Nope. I reckon it will take some time for this engrained belief that I must be perfect in order for someone to love me to be overtaken with the truth that my husband is FOR me, flaws and all, just like my Savior is FOR me. But I'm working on it. One weakness at a time. One admission at a time. One tear-filled conversation followed by the biggest husband-bear-hug at a time.
From my heart...
It is so easy to only show the clean, perfectly pressed and manicured side of your life to your spouse, but it takes an amazing amount of trust to allow them into every nook and cranny of your heart. Just like we are suppose to allow Christ into our heart, into every single aspect of our life.
In conclusion, have I figured out this whole trust issue? Nope. I reckon it will take some time for this engrained belief that I must be perfect in order for someone to love me to be overtaken with the truth that my husband is FOR me, flaws and all, just like my Savior is FOR me. But I'm working on it. One weakness at a time. One admission at a time. One tear-filled conversation followed by the biggest husband-bear-hug at a time.
From my heart...
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